I remember Homeless at 14 years of age. I had been in this group home for a few months in LA, I went to Chrenshaw high school any way. I use to recieve bus tokens every day to take the bus to school but decided to save all my bus tokens for weekened activities and walk above two miles to school every morning and walked home that evening, well one evening I got in the car with strangers (two men), being fast kind of i mean there was no one telling me not to, my intire child hood I had been in placement (fostercare). I got in the car with the strangers and they took me to this house, I did drink and they,and four more of thier friends gang raped me and left me me for dead they say I was beat up you could tell it was me, I was dropped off on the group home porch, I woke up in the hospital any way I did live, but every knew where the group home was so when i turned the two men in, after the police told me it was my fault for dressing like a slut, they went to jail but the remaining rapist remember there were 6 were still at large. they started threatening my life, the other group home girls were so scare they'ed made life hard for me there and i never did grieve I think , any ways i ran away, I felt alone and scared and misunderstood alone! so I dont remember all of what i did for about a months time but I remember sleeping under a stair well in the rain dirty and so scare to get caught under there I remember the rain and my tear like fell in rhyme! I remember one day I was so hungry I  keep fainting in would take a few  steps and faint, I was trying to get to burger king to get me a burger some one had given me a dollar. but I would get up off the ground, and then faint get up off the ground it took all the strength in me to make it there. i did get that hamburger. a few days later i was hungry sitting on a cerb on Chrenshaw blvd, by this corner store any it was very late, this older man came up tome and asked me if I was hungry, yes he asked if I wanted to go mc Donald yes. come on he says, you think I would have learned my lesson but he drives me to Mcdonalds, while we were in the drive threw he asked how old I was, 14, where were my parents? i don't know. he said i would bring you home with me but my wife would never understand, What do you want? Big mac combo, any while grabbing my food he said do you realize how bad you smell, I didnt say anything. He said I cant imagine whats happen to you but turn yourself in. You need to get off these streets. I thanked him for my food and did just that. I ate my food on the corb yall. I used a pay phone back when they had them and called the police told them my name. while i was in the cop car they talked about me like i was there we been looking for her for while, no they weren't lol, we thought she was dead, they hoped so no paper work, man she smells. how long has she been out there. I was on the streets for about 6 months, for some reason I dont remember all that happen but Yah (God) kept one memory in tacked that stair well, and that rain. Thanks for listening!!!!

So I was trying to think about what I should write and what would be  too hard to tell and then I said that thing is what I will write about first so I thought long and hard about this so pray before you read that Yah give you an open mind and eye too see me then and see me now, but not put the two together because we are not together we are seperate, I have been washed clean from my sins, but my sins are apart of my testimony and are what help carve me into what Yah wanted me to be. So here goes,  when I turned 17 I was emancipates from the system to my 30 year old boyfriend who ended up going to prison for selling drugs but because the FEDS had damaged the house so bad I couldn't live there any more, so actually went to stay with his mother since he was my legal guardian lol the system was so screwed up believe me any way I lived with his mother until I turned 18 the next month, at that time his mother decided i needed to pull my own weight so she decide she was going to take me open a bank account, witch I did I didn't see why not my boyfriend still made money that would come to me sometimes even from prison SO did it she was on the account also if I remember correctly, any way I noticed she was able to buy all these great things could figure out how well she was using my account to buy all kinds of thing cars, big screen TV s, clothes all the above, well when I found out she had me arrested and told the police I was going to hurt my self Base I was a minor and just a ward of the court they took to a hospital where I stayed for three days but because I was homeless young and very pretty they allowed me to stay as a out patient I came and went as I pleased, and most people thought I was staff, and that when I met Larry who was also much older then me now that I think about it he was there for wanting to kill him self why didn't I run I was a child really lonely and he was so sweet to he bought me clothes took me on real dates got me pregnant, and when I had a miss carriage and started acting my age he asked me to move out, he didn't care where I went he just said find something with in a week so I joined the conservation corps which was great until i started sleeping with my supervisor, and was fired from the job, well I lived in the dorms so again was homeless my co-worker let me stay at his house for a few nights witch was an amazing house I mean beautiful, John actually cared about me I will say we talked and stuff. Well I needed a job so I found an ad in the news paper that said "Models Needed" $300-$500 it gave an address for Hollywood CA, so john dropped me off at the bus station he gave me 20 dollars and told me to be careful and how sorry he was he couldn't do more. I had took some of my last check to go buy some cute clothes did my hair, got to the address with all i owned but dint want to bring it the meeting with me so I hid the stuff in the bush down the street and prayed no one took anything. When I walked into the "Audion" I walked into what looked like an unfinished office building the room they took me in had boxes every where and the girl who open the door had obviously had a lot of plastic surgery, blond but she was very pretty.  The owner we will say his name was ken because he looked like a ken doll, came in and asked me to turn around he smiled the whole time while he talked kind of looked at me like a brand new car he could wait to drive home from the lot. hold on he says, he goes and come back with a camera and a bikini, witch was probably used now that I think about it, he asked me to put it on at first I was caught off guard but then I thought most models wear bikini, so I put it on. I think he took 100 pictures he seemed so excited to me but I was just so nervous and  uncomfortable, when the shoot was over he paid me the 500 dollars, and asked if I had an agent and told me he knew someone I should meet, his name I remember but we will call him Rob. Anyway Ken asked where I lived and I decided to tell the truth that I had planned to staying a hotel, he offered for me to stay at his place for the night and that he would hook me up with "Rob" the next day. I had wait until the office was closed though so I told Ken I'd be right back I went to get my bag, were I left it earlier. When I came back tere was another photo shoot going on so I decided to go watch, when I walked in I say a women completely naked sitting the table with her legs wide open, I was so shocked i must have made a noise because everyone in the oom turned and looked at me. I walked out realiazed this was not the modeling I thought it was. later that day Ken locked up and we went on our way, I asked him in the car about the lady and he esxsplain that she wanted to do the photos that i don't have to do that but that she made two times the money I did that day. he told me Rob would be meeting us tomorrow for lunch. We spent the night together in his very beautiful loft I had never seen anything like except in magazines. although I thought I would spend the night in a hotel this was far better, until I could tell he wanted more then to sleep, it was gross not because he was white it was just the first time i felt i was sleeping with some one for money, even though he wasn't going to pay me he was going to help me get to the money, witch I needed or I would have to do way worse.  The restaurant was so dang fancy, they knew us my name and you could tell everyone in there but me was rich, not wealthy but rich. No lie Rob pulled up in what I think was a Bentley he got the car with this little dog dressed better then me and he actually had on a pinkie ring, he was going bald and was very big, with the greyest hair but you knew he was important. he came to the table and looked at me a once over and then they talked about me as if i wasn't even there, "She could do great but you know black entertainer don't make as much money" he said. Where is your family? I don't have any, I grew up in foster care.  am sorry to hear that. "Will she do nudes" She hasn't yet but we an work on it. I could have her working tomorrow, she has a different look, what your race? Black? I said confused by the question. Where is she staying? She stayed with me last night, but she was going to stay in a hotel. No she"ll come with me. i realise now they were talking like i was property. and the worst part is I felt wanted. i ordered a burger even though I could have what ever I wanted, when we were done eating I went with Rob, I was actually scared but knew if I didn't I would end up on the streets, and I was not street smart, I was lonely and vonerable. The dog had his own seat, any ways we went to his office in Beverly hill, it was top floor office those ones on top of restaurants, the was a lobby where there were all these folders with nothing but photos of women some naked some not all very beautiful. Rob tells me to come in his office where I was sure he was going to try and make me do nasty things to him but he didn't he sat behind his desk with made me so comfortable he told me, I didn't have to do anything I didn't wont that, I would start off with still shots he would arrange my photo shoot for a portfolio, that if I did videos I would make a lot of money, and he would make sure I was safe and taken care of. He had some beautiful Caucasian women take me shopping and she took me to the place that looked like a Dr office to me, but everyone who went in there had fake boobs and was dressed pretty provocative, it was the the testing office the pron industry used to test all the actors for STD and HIV  , to be in the industry you had to be tested every month and carry the test with you on every set. I didn't say I would do any videos. I took the test any way. Rob liked me he said I was so young and Innocent. he let me stay in his office until I could make enough money to get a real place. my first photo shoot was in this guys Ware house type place where he had a motorcycle and tons of computer, cameras tables. He had racks of clothes, a big bin with just women's shoes, he took picture of me dressed at first he had a way of convincing me it was ok to rust him and to tkae off my clothes. he said I try one with just these, They were some sparkled red heels. I did it but he id he could see the fear in my eyes. that I needed to relax. I just couldn't . That day I made $1000, but i remember crying myself to sleep that night. My first actual shoot was with women I think everyone thoguth it would help me ralax if they put me with women. One lady was so confadent she showed me how to satnd to make me look taller, and how young I looked so I was going to have to use that to my advantage, she called me youngster, and little girl all time, she did things to me that during the shoot we had to keep stopping because they could see the tears in my eyes on camera, even though I wanted to run I didnt, I couldn't. She told me after we were done I didnt belong there but she didnt understand where would I go if I didnt keep working, who would take me no one. The women were easier to deal with, the men I just just could get it right for a while, I would do things to make everyone mad like cry or gag, no discipton needed, or I jump or fall or look like dear in head lights. some of the diectors used to their advantage and made that the story, now I think of how sick that was, to use my fear and youth. I wasnt doing that good on camera but they could still make money from it so I always got payed. And the more money I made the more everyone else made Rob, and I believe Ken was still making money off me. They allowed me to move to a hotel witch was nice I went shopping now alone. I looked great but felt so cheap and still lonely. Rob hired me a driver to take me to all my shoots and audition sicne I didnt have a lisensed he even payed for me to go to driving school, but I worked so much I never had time. my driver Tony job was to drive me only once he tried to come in my room, but I turned him away, he was to take me to the job wait until I was done and come running if someone tried to hurt me. withc happened alot of corse they think they have the right to do what ever they wnt because you are just a nasty girl who does porn. Sometimes I met people who just really wanted to have dinner and have a pretty lady, girl on their arm not knowing it then it was all disrespectful and degrading but I almost became num to it after a while. Well I did this for a while meade some friends if you call them that, well one of my friends Mark was having a party and asked if I would be the intertainment I agreed he said I would make what ever I got in tips, well at that party I met Will, who was the DJ, the men where so gross asking for my number but wanted way more, thinking I would do to them what I did on the dance floor witch it doesnt work that way. Me and Will had a regualr relationship, we went to moves, we held hads we wore bajamas to Mcdonald drive, he made me feel like a normal girl. He of course hated my job but where would I get money? I moved in with another actress she was a cool room mate at first. I was able to see Will more often now that I moved.  Once we were walking in the mall and a man recognized me I was ashamed and inbarrassed for Will. he was just so angry. I wanted to quite but became acustom to the life of money i couldnt amgine giving it up. I would tell him I knew I was created to do so much more but people only liked me for my looks, with out it I was nothing I believed I wouldnt make it. my roommate ended up being on crack nd one day I woke up to her acusingme of sleeping with her boyfriend, I did not she was so high she was acting so damn crazy I took what I could carry and ran out of there to a a pay phone at like 1 in the morning. I had been home for days because i wasnt feeling well. so went to the doctor and sure enough I was pregnant. I couldnt have baby doing my job, so I though but actually Rob said I could do some how to videos, how to mkae love while pregnant type stuff.  I just couldnt do it but i was under contract so I ran, firs6t I moved to Vinces Beach, in a apartment across from a church no one kknew where I was not even Will. I think I was for months before I even told him. I started goint to the church. the people were so nice to me. The pastor would talk about how our sins are washed cleaned he read the scripture Revalations 21:5 He who seated on the throne said" I make all things new" I knew I didnt have to wear all the sin I had been carrying around, feeling dirty and nasty and not worthy of more i wanted my baby to have real mother, because I didnt have one, I wanted to better even though I didnt do better I was done with it all. I had to call Will and tell him about the baby there was no question in my mind it was his baby, since most of what I did on camera wasnt real, and with him I actually made love. I knew he might not believe me witch I had to understand, he believed me but we still did a blood test later on. I decided to move to Texas until the baby was born to lay low get my mind right study, learn worship, I took care of an old lady for room and bored until I could lift her any more because I got to pregnant. I worked for her until she died. she allowed me to satya in the house but it was just way to lonely. But it gave me time to ge tit together until I moved back to Cali when her scary son started stocking me even when I wasnt trying I actracted these scary men. I ended up stayinf wit Will for a while but then stay with a friend of his familyies daughter she was my age it was great we both had one child we went to this youth group that talked about how when a women recieves a man  she takes in all his demoms and all the demons of the women he has been with and how it can become a strong hold and I remember thinking I must wsh myself clean of every man I had been with even Will although he was the most normal relationship I had been in it was still sin, for me he was not my husband. I found out the roomates mom had been sleeping with Will while I was in Texas I was angry I was hurt this women took me to church all the time, she was an evangilist but was sleeping with my sons dad, and she was old enough to be my mom me and her daughter became best friends. I moved out and went to a youth home for young ladies with babies and preganant women thats when Yah really reviled Him self to me when I saw all these girls who had mothers and fathers and they still felt lonely, we had bible study every day I loved it so much I did it on my spare time. I knew that I wnted more of Yah that his love was more then any man could give me I was sure this time I was not going to depart from him he was the only person who really loved me and I didnt want to disappoint him. I was in a wonderful place until I found my birth mother........ then things got real! Sexual sin is something I still struggle with and I am born again, saved, a child of Yah  how ever you want to put it, I have to stay in his presents some beleiver say you shouldnt have to battle those things of the past any more but I dont believe that if your imtire life has been exsposed to sexual sins you might have to work a little harder then others to seperate your self now when sex is every where you go an is easy to get to online , over the phone I have stay in his word to keep from more then just sex, fear,lonliness  Yah is freedom. Thanks for Listening.

My family so beautiful and happy!!!

So me and my kids are watching a cartoon version of passion of the Christ I look over and Say to my five year old "You know who that is on the cross "she says with tears in her eyes that's Yahushua,( Jesus)". Of course I start crying with her and say Kayloni its ok , that means you have an understanding of what Yahushua did for you, and most adults don't even have any idea,I am so proud! Teach a child the way that they should go, and they will not depart from it:)Forget that at her age I was trying to stay alive, but oh How He(Yahushua) loved me!!! And he watched over me even when I didn't know who he was! When I say I say I should have been dead, I mean it! But not only did he keep me alive he allowed me to keep my right mind so I could teach my children the right way. And they do listen!!

The hardest decision ever. I wrote this for a college class I got an A yall!

       THE HARDEST DECISION EVER TO GIVE MY PRECIOUS GIFT

Brittany Reed-Williams

  American Intercontinental University

Abstract

This paper is about my difficult decision to give one of my precious children as a gift to another family.  I gave birth to a child in 2007 and had to make a choice to give that child up for adoption.  I want to share the ups and downs, the fears and reasons I made such a hard choice. There were trials and triumphs in this process and it is my pleasure to share it with you.  This is my story of what it meant to me what I hope happens later. This was the hardest choice of my life.

 

                     THE HARDEST DECISION EVER TO GIVE MY PRECIOUSE GIFT

           

     There was a young woman about 25 years old, young and not married she already at 25 had 3 children.  This woman so desperately wanted to find love so looked for it in all the wrong places. She had standards men in her life had to have their own money and car, now where the money came from didn't really matter.  She wanted to be in control of her space so only allowed others so close. She met a man; some would call him a boy.  But he had his own money, and didn't want to move into her apartment so he was a man by Brittany’s standards the woman’s name is Brittany.  Brittany didn't know much about relationships because the only relationship she could remember was with a wonder staff member who worked at one of the many group home she had moved around to her whole life.  And even this woman Brittany can’t really remember any more because she {the woman} did stay around very long like most people in Brittany’s life.

     So because of the life style she lead Brittany came to the  time when a very hard choice had to made, pregnant again by her abuser 1 month after giving birth to her first daughter and in a home with a man and his family who allowed these man to be abusive to her most of the time.  She already had three children one of them living with his father, but not wanting to be pregnant at all by this man she did not know what to do.  So one day just tired of fighting she ran, hard because he followed her for an hour; her on foot him in a car but not turning back no matter what he said. Brittany had nowhere to go.  Deciding to call the police because she did not know what the man would do, she was told to walk to the police station pregnant with two children one outfit for each child and a few diapers, while walking Brittany promised herself she would never allow herself to be treated so poorly again, and would never allow her children to see her abused by any other man.  The police took her to a safe place much too close to her well known drug dealing gang affiliated exes boyfriends, so they had to move her over night to very secluded location then even while there one of the other women knew her and her exes so she had to be put on a greyhound to the most beautiful house she ever seen man it was a wonderful place she loved it there the kids loved it but it was temporary they were only allowed to stay there for 4 to 6 weeks.  So Brittany had to first make some changes, she missed him sometimes. She

6 months pregnant and her baby only 71/2 months old was so scared to do all this on her own. What would happen to her what would people think of her?

       One of the wonderful women at the Domestic Violence Shelter actual the counselor they had there asked her what she wanted to do about the pregnancy and everything?  Then she gave her a pamphlet for an adoption agency to read. She told her to just look it over and think about it as an option.  Brittany was scared but knew that it was just hard taking care of the two children she had in her custody what would she do with another baby? So agreed to call the agency, and have a meeting with them.  When she met the director at first all she say was a white women willing to take her baby and give her too another white women.  But Beth was sweet and even seemed to care about her. She showed her some profiles of families but Beth said she already had a family in mind that the family already had a black child in the home so it would be perfect.  It was arranged for the two families to meet, but first Brittany was moved to a nice hotel.  Once she saw the hotel she decided no matter what her decision she was going to hold out at least until the baby was born, allow the family to take care of her for the next few months.  The agency brought her food whenever she asked for it and even gave her money to go places with her kids.  They asked to be on T.V. network called TLC to do a documentary on adoption; she agreed.  So the Director moved her into her guest house with her kids bought them new close and cribs for the baby just made her feel very welcomed.  Took her to doctors’ appointments and ultrasounds made sure she was very well taken care of.

    The day she met Kelly and Todd was so uncomfortable at first, knowing that one day soon they might be taking her baby home was not a great feeling.  They were like a human Ken and Barbie doll so handsome, and wealthy Kelly was a teacher for special needs children and Todd was some sort of business man.  They had the same smile all the time even when she was not in a good mood they would smile. They had a little girl I will call Mary who was so happy with her obviously white parents ad her very black face. It made Brittany not trusts them all the way she always thought what do they want with my baby?? How will they treat her??  Will they make me out to be this weak and trouble black women??  But every time they invited her to dinner she went, she loved the fancy food, and she could order whatever she wanted even for the kids.  She likes Todd much better probably because he was a man.  She never had a father of her own.  She spent her whole pregnancy with the Director and her family and even loved them they really treated her like family.  Beth was her name. She made a scrap book to give to her baby once she old enough to read it she wrote her letters, one for when she became an adult.  Hoping Kelly and Todd would make sure her little girl gets it, she put tons of pictures of herself pregnant of the baby’s father of the other kids even of Beth and her husband. Just in case she decided to give them the baby.

     Brittany wakes up from a nap because she is having pain; Beth takes her to the hospital Brittany is only 2 centimeters dilated but Beth still calls for Kelly and Todd to make their way to the hospital.  The hospital staff at the hospital tells her to go and walk that her {Brittany’s} labor had not progressed far enough.  They went straight home Brittany laid down for all of 30 minutes and knew she needed to go back to the hospital the pain was so intense, all she could do was scream. It took about 10 minutes to get back to the hospital, Brittany was met by a wheel chair wheeled to the 3^rd floor and the baby was born ten minutes later, yes 10 minutes they had cut her clothes off to get to the baby. She was so beautiful and tiny, and came in a dramatic fashion. Brittany was sure God allowed it to happen this way so she could have time with her baby alone Todd and Kelly were not there. They didn't arrive for hours and she knew once they did she would not get to just look at her baby; she wanted to remember her face forever. She was so small and looked so much like her big sister except she had no hair, just a little pit of peach fuzz. She prayed for her and asked God to give the baby the desire to know who her mother really was, she thought about just taking her and running out the door. Then she thought to herself I promised them a baby, but does it have to be this baby? Yes it does.

     Finally they were there Todd, and Kelly her heart sinks in her chest, Brittany knows that this is it. Kelly picks up the baby, before they discussed her name would either be Ciara, or Sienna, she looked at Brittany’s baby and said Sienna her name is Sienna Brittany could see how much Kelly loved her, but still thought I love her more. They allowed Kelly to stay the night at the hospital but because Brittany had delivered the baby naturally they only were staying one night. Kelly didn't get up when the baby cried Brittany believes she did it to let this mother and daughter ad least have one night together. And Brittany was so grateful to get up every time for about an hour she just held the baby and smiled she didn't cry. She didn't want the sun to rise, it did. The morning was really quiet no one said much. Todd came in with some very nice flowers and a card, Brittany didn't read it right away, and still she didn't cry.  They brought the birth certificate and asked what name she wanted to put on it she just went on and put the name the new parents chose to make it easier for them.  They would have to change it later. So her birth certificate read Sienna Reed Migill her middle name was Brittany’s last name, another wonderful thing Todd and Kelly had done that made her want to dislike them for being so wonderful; and perfect.  It was time to check out of the hospital Brittany got Sienna ready to go dressed her, even put her in her car seat for the Migills to take her home. She did not cry.  They nurse rolled her to lobby every one walking behind her, Todd caring the baby and then they separate saying good bye as they walk away.  The ride in the car with Beth and Brittany was so quiet Brittany said not one word.  When gets in the house and sees the kids she holds they so tight, they of course did not understand why. Beth suggests she takes the kids for a couple hours so Brittany could rest.  When Brittany goes outside on the porch to sit she realizes that she home but her baby is not she may never see her child again, it felt like a ball in her throat she couldn't stop the tears, she could not see out of her eyes from the tears, and she just felt so helpless, what did she just do?  Who gives their baby away?  Even though this was so hard for her she knew it was the right choice for her at the time, but man this hurt like she never had felt before.  Brittany felt like she would never recover from this.

     Brittany did recover some I have to say Sienna is now about 6 years old and when I write this, I still had to clear the tears from my eyes just to finish that last few paragraphs I did love my baby , but wanted to give her a better life, and I truly believe that was  achieved.  I also believe now that I have had two more children since then that this is something that I could have done on my own if I had more super and encouragement I could have raised my own child.  This still was the hardest choice I ever had to make but all in all I am glad that it happen its will be a wonderful testimony to share with others who might have had the same situation.  Loving your children doesn't always mean the same for every one for me it mint letting one go.