So I was trying to think about what I should write and what would be  too hard to tell and then I said that thing is what I will write about first so I thought long and hard about this so pray before you read that Yah give you an open mind and eye too see me then and see me now, but not put the two together because we are not together we are seperate, I have been washed clean from my sins, but my sins are apart of my testimony and are what help carve me into what Yah wanted me to be. So here goes,  when I turned 17 I was emancipates from the system to my 30 year old boyfriend who ended up going to prison for selling drugs but because the FEDS had damaged the house so bad I couldn't live there any more, so actually went to stay with his mother since he was my legal guardian lol the system was so screwed up believe me any way I lived with his mother until I turned 18 the next month, at that time his mother decided i needed to pull my own weight so she decide she was going to take me open a bank account, witch I did I didn't see why not my boyfriend still made money that would come to me sometimes even from prison SO did it she was on the account also if I remember correctly, any way I noticed she was able to buy all these great things could figure out how well she was using my account to buy all kinds of thing cars, big screen TV s, clothes all the above, well when I found out she had me arrested and told the police I was going to hurt my self Base I was a minor and just a ward of the court they took to a hospital where I stayed for three days but because I was homeless young and very pretty they allowed me to stay as a out patient I came and went as I pleased, and most people thought I was staff, and that when I met Larry who was also much older then me now that I think about it he was there for wanting to kill him self why didn't I run I was a child really lonely and he was so sweet to he bought me clothes took me on real dates got me pregnant, and when I had a miss carriage and started acting my age he asked me to move out, he didn't care where I went he just said find something with in a week so I joined the conservation corps which was great until i started sleeping with my supervisor, and was fired from the job, well I lived in the dorms so again was homeless my co-worker let me stay at his house for a few nights witch was an amazing house I mean beautiful, John actually cared about me I will say we talked and stuff. Well I needed a job so I found an ad in the news paper that said "Models Needed" $300-$500 it gave an address for Hollywood CA, so john dropped me off at the bus station he gave me 20 dollars and told me to be careful and how sorry he was he couldn't do more. I had took some of my last check to go buy some cute clothes did my hair, got to the address with all i owned but dint want to bring it the meeting with me so I hid the stuff in the bush down the street and prayed no one took anything. When I walked into the "Audion" I walked into what looked like an unfinished office building the room they took me in had boxes every where and the girl who open the door had obviously had a lot of plastic surgery, blond but she was very pretty.  The owner we will say his name was ken because he looked like a ken doll, came in and asked me to turn around he smiled the whole time while he talked kind of looked at me like a brand new car he could wait to drive home from the lot. hold on he says, he goes and come back with a camera and a bikini, witch was probably used now that I think about it, he asked me to put it on at first I was caught off guard but then I thought most models wear bikini, so I put it on. I think he took 100 pictures he seemed so excited to me but I was just so nervous and  uncomfortable, when the shoot was over he paid me the 500 dollars, and asked if I had an agent and told me he knew someone I should meet, his name I remember but we will call him Rob. Anyway Ken asked where I lived and I decided to tell the truth that I had planned to staying a hotel, he offered for me to stay at his place for the night and that he would hook me up with "Rob" the next day. I had wait until the office was closed though so I told Ken I'd be right back I went to get my bag, were I left it earlier. When I came back tere was another photo shoot going on so I decided to go watch, when I walked in I say a women completely naked sitting the table with her legs wide open, I was so shocked i must have made a noise because everyone in the oom turned and looked at me. I walked out realiazed this was not the modeling I thought it was. later that day Ken locked up and we went on our way, I asked him in the car about the lady and he esxsplain that she wanted to do the photos that i don't have to do that but that she made two times the money I did that day. he told me Rob would be meeting us tomorrow for lunch. We spent the night together in his very beautiful loft I had never seen anything like except in magazines. although I thought I would spend the night in a hotel this was far better, until I could tell he wanted more then to sleep, it was gross not because he was white it was just the first time i felt i was sleeping with some one for money, even though he wasn't going to pay me he was going to help me get to the money, witch I needed or I would have to do way worse.  The restaurant was so dang fancy, they knew us my name and you could tell everyone in there but me was rich, not wealthy but rich. No lie Rob pulled up in what I think was a Bentley he got the car with this little dog dressed better then me and he actually had on a pinkie ring, he was going bald and was very big, with the greyest hair but you knew he was important. he came to the table and looked at me a once over and then they talked about me as if i wasn't even there, "She could do great but you know black entertainer don't make as much money" he said. Where is your family? I don't have any, I grew up in foster care.  am sorry to hear that. "Will she do nudes" She hasn't yet but we an work on it. I could have her working tomorrow, she has a different look, what your race? Black? I said confused by the question. Where is she staying? She stayed with me last night, but she was going to stay in a hotel. No she"ll come with me. i realise now they were talking like i was property. and the worst part is I felt wanted. i ordered a burger even though I could have what ever I wanted, when we were done eating I went with Rob, I was actually scared but knew if I didn't I would end up on the streets, and I was not street smart, I was lonely and vonerable. The dog had his own seat, any ways we went to his office in Beverly hill, it was top floor office those ones on top of restaurants, the was a lobby where there were all these folders with nothing but photos of women some naked some not all very beautiful. Rob tells me to come in his office where I was sure he was going to try and make me do nasty things to him but he didn't he sat behind his desk with made me so comfortable he told me, I didn't have to do anything I didn't wont that, I would start off with still shots he would arrange my photo shoot for a portfolio, that if I did videos I would make a lot of money, and he would make sure I was safe and taken care of. He had some beautiful Caucasian women take me shopping and she took me to the place that looked like a Dr office to me, but everyone who went in there had fake boobs and was dressed pretty provocative, it was the the testing office the pron industry used to test all the actors for STD and HIV  , to be in the industry you had to be tested every month and carry the test with you on every set. I didn't say I would do any videos. I took the test any way. Rob liked me he said I was so young and Innocent. he let me stay in his office until I could make enough money to get a real place. my first photo shoot was in this guys Ware house type place where he had a motorcycle and tons of computer, cameras tables. He had racks of clothes, a big bin with just women's shoes, he took picture of me dressed at first he had a way of convincing me it was ok to rust him and to tkae off my clothes. he said I try one with just these, They were some sparkled red heels. I did it but he id he could see the fear in my eyes. that I needed to relax. I just couldn't . That day I made $1000, but i remember crying myself to sleep that night. My first actual shoot was with women I think everyone thoguth it would help me ralax if they put me with women. One lady was so confadent she showed me how to satnd to make me look taller, and how young I looked so I was going to have to use that to my advantage, she called me youngster, and little girl all time, she did things to me that during the shoot we had to keep stopping because they could see the tears in my eyes on camera, even though I wanted to run I didnt, I couldn't. She told me after we were done I didnt belong there but she didnt understand where would I go if I didnt keep working, who would take me no one. The women were easier to deal with, the men I just just could get it right for a while, I would do things to make everyone mad like cry or gag, no discipton needed, or I jump or fall or look like dear in head lights. some of the diectors used to their advantage and made that the story, now I think of how sick that was, to use my fear and youth. I wasnt doing that good on camera but they could still make money from it so I always got payed. And the more money I made the more everyone else made Rob, and I believe Ken was still making money off me. They allowed me to move to a hotel witch was nice I went shopping now alone. I looked great but felt so cheap and still lonely. Rob hired me a driver to take me to all my shoots and audition sicne I didnt have a lisensed he even payed for me to go to driving school, but I worked so much I never had time. my driver Tony job was to drive me only once he tried to come in my room, but I turned him away, he was to take me to the job wait until I was done and come running if someone tried to hurt me. withc happened alot of corse they think they have the right to do what ever they wnt because you are just a nasty girl who does porn. Sometimes I met people who just really wanted to have dinner and have a pretty lady, girl on their arm not knowing it then it was all disrespectful and degrading but I almost became num to it after a while. Well I did this for a while meade some friends if you call them that, well one of my friends Mark was having a party and asked if I would be the intertainment I agreed he said I would make what ever I got in tips, well at that party I met Will, who was the DJ, the men where so gross asking for my number but wanted way more, thinking I would do to them what I did on the dance floor witch it doesnt work that way. Me and Will had a regualr relationship, we went to moves, we held hads we wore bajamas to Mcdonald drive, he made me feel like a normal girl. He of course hated my job but where would I get money? I moved in with another actress she was a cool room mate at first. I was able to see Will more often now that I moved.  Once we were walking in the mall and a man recognized me I was ashamed and inbarrassed for Will. he was just so angry. I wanted to quite but became acustom to the life of money i couldnt amgine giving it up. I would tell him I knew I was created to do so much more but people only liked me for my looks, with out it I was nothing I believed I wouldnt make it. my roommate ended up being on crack nd one day I woke up to her acusingme of sleeping with her boyfriend, I did not she was so high she was acting so damn crazy I took what I could carry and ran out of there to a a pay phone at like 1 in the morning. I had been home for days because i wasnt feeling well. so went to the doctor and sure enough I was pregnant. I couldnt have baby doing my job, so I though but actually Rob said I could do some how to videos, how to mkae love while pregnant type stuff.  I just couldnt do it but i was under contract so I ran, firs6t I moved to Vinces Beach, in a apartment across from a church no one kknew where I was not even Will. I think I was for months before I even told him. I started goint to the church. the people were so nice to me. The pastor would talk about how our sins are washed cleaned he read the scripture Revalations 21:5 He who seated on the throne said" I make all things new" I knew I didnt have to wear all the sin I had been carrying around, feeling dirty and nasty and not worthy of more i wanted my baby to have real mother, because I didnt have one, I wanted to better even though I didnt do better I was done with it all. I had to call Will and tell him about the baby there was no question in my mind it was his baby, since most of what I did on camera wasnt real, and with him I actually made love. I knew he might not believe me witch I had to understand, he believed me but we still did a blood test later on. I decided to move to Texas until the baby was born to lay low get my mind right study, learn worship, I took care of an old lady for room and bored until I could lift her any more because I got to pregnant. I worked for her until she died. she allowed me to satya in the house but it was just way to lonely. But it gave me time to ge tit together until I moved back to Cali when her scary son started stocking me even when I wasnt trying I actracted these scary men. I ended up stayinf wit Will for a while but then stay with a friend of his familyies daughter she was my age it was great we both had one child we went to this youth group that talked about how when a women recieves a man  she takes in all his demoms and all the demons of the women he has been with and how it can become a strong hold and I remember thinking I must wsh myself clean of every man I had been with even Will although he was the most normal relationship I had been in it was still sin, for me he was not my husband. I found out the roomates mom had been sleeping with Will while I was in Texas I was angry I was hurt this women took me to church all the time, she was an evangilist but was sleeping with my sons dad, and she was old enough to be my mom me and her daughter became best friends. I moved out and went to a youth home for young ladies with babies and preganant women thats when Yah really reviled Him self to me when I saw all these girls who had mothers and fathers and they still felt lonely, we had bible study every day I loved it so much I did it on my spare time. I knew that I wnted more of Yah that his love was more then any man could give me I was sure this time I was not going to depart from him he was the only person who really loved me and I didnt want to disappoint him. I was in a wonderful place until I found my birth mother........ then things got real! Sexual sin is something I still struggle with and I am born again, saved, a child of Yah  how ever you want to put it, I have to stay in his presents some beleiver say you shouldnt have to battle those things of the past any more but I dont believe that if your imtire life has been exsposed to sexual sins you might have to work a little harder then others to seperate your self now when sex is every where you go an is easy to get to online , over the phone I have stay in his word to keep from more then just sex, fear,lonliness  Yah is freedom. Thanks for Listening.